Roasted Bun

Ya can stick yer MP expenses scandal where the sun don't shine, we've got a "national sporting hero roasts teenager" shocka!!


There's a massive scandal gripping the nation at the moment. Matthew Johns, Australian rugby league hero and brother of Andrew (who as we all remember was nicked in London's Kings Cross with pills on him after getting gattered at The Cross and later admitted to loads of nose and pills when he was playing), has been named as one of twelve players involved in roasting a 19-year-old lass back in 2002, which was the year after he spent a season playing for Wigan.

During a pre-season tour of New Zealand with the Cronulla Sharks (Cronulla being the south Sydney suburb where the racial beach riots where a few years ago), he and his room mate took this bird back to their room and started giving her a going over. Ten other team mates then piled in the room (the room was on the ground floor and some of them sneaked through the bathroom window, which hasn't really been seen as a rock-solid defence when dealing with consent issues) and she ended up having sex with six of them whilst the others watched.

It kicked off as the bird was interviewed for a documentary that aired on Monday night called 'code of silence' and straplined with "For much of the past decade rugby league in Australia has been dogged by a series of startling allegations relating to alcohol, women and sex."

...which basically went into a few incidents where players have roasted birds or highlighted a couple of cases of sexual assualt etc and how there's a big drinking culture in Aussie rugby league (hard to believe that, eh?).

There's been a few incidents reported before, the most famous one being when the Canterbury Bulldogs were accused of rape and lots of fruity details came out:

"In 2004, a 20-year-old woman claimed up to six members of Sydney's Canterbury Bulldogs team repeatedly raped her in a swimming pool at a plush hotel in Coffs Harbour. The alleged assault followed drunken celebrations in the town following a pre-season victory over the club's rivals, the Canberra Raiders. The players were never arrested due to lack of evidence, but the case exposed a shocking culture of sexual depravity in the sport. Stories of prostitutes being hired for group sex, and "bonus" points being given if women were shared between team-mates were soon making the rounds. The practice known as "roasting", a reference to meat being stuffed, is not considered uncommon with one player claiming: "Some of the boys love a 'bun'," said one. "Gang banging is nothing new for our club or the rugby league."

...a 'bun' is the Aussie term for a bird who's up for it, and I can't stop cracking up at the phrase "Some of the boys love a bun" - it's the nonchalance of it! like he's casually talking about going for a pint or summat - "some of the boys love getting naked in front of each other and sexually degrading some lassie too young and stupid to realise what she's doing", I'm surprised he didn't finish off with, "...and then we boot her out, go for a ruby murray then dance around pissed up singing Jimmy Barnes tunes whilst sticking our fingers up each others arses - ya cannae whack it!"

This one's turned into a national event because Matty Johns is now the Australian version of Gary Lineker - he presents Channel Nine's The Footy Show, does loads of commentating and reporting from games, has released comedy singles and books, and was a coach for a couple of clubs on a part time basis, and has plenty of other nice little earners such as corporate speaking and hosting etc. He earned more now than he did when he was playing. He was also (and still is) married at the time.

Earned, not earns, as it's obviously all gone Pete Tong for him since it came out.

Over the last fews days it's ebbed and flowed, with the angry mob outrage kicking off first, giving it the big one about his wholesome image and being on TV and a role model and supposed family man etc (he's got kids an'all). That led to Channel Nine and Melbourne Storm suspending him indefinitely (it's called 'standing down' over here) and everyone generally giving him a wide berth once they realised the Daily Mail mob were shouting loudest and getting everyone whipped up.

However there's been a backlash to that reaction, and there's now loads of people saying he's done nowt legally wrong, it was consensual, there was a police investigation at the time which found nothing wrong (the bird went to the police five days after and complained), and everyone's asking why she waited seven years before going public. They've also found an old workmate of hers who says she was bragging about it at the time and only changed her tune a few days later once people started treating her like a slag. It's surprising that the most vocal voices on this front have been other women, saying she knew what she was getting into, that she's crying wolf and making it harder for real victims of sexual assault to be treated fairly, how she's only in it for the money and to ruin a good man's reputation and hurt his family etc. (The bird appeared on the documentary and admitted she wanted to hurt those involved). Matty Johns has done TV interviews this week with the loyal wife sitting next to him, saying how he's sorry, he didn't do anything illegal but it's bad thing, blah blah.

Four Corners (the name of the documentary, which my lot make) is normally a serious documentary series and it's taken a bit of a kicking for 'downgrading' and going after such a tabloid story. Though there's now a side issue with plenty of folk getting whipped up about wanting to know the names of the other ten or so players involved (Matty Johns was the only one named), and debate raging between the "He did nowt but cheat on his missus, he shouldn't be publicly executed for that" camp and the "it might have been legal but it was also well moody and he paints himself as a great guy whilst getting up to some dark, deeply unethical and morally wrong sexual deviance" lot.

You won't be surprised to discover that my favourite angle is the poof side of the whole affair, which unfortunately hasn't been touched upon (oo-er) as much, but has been mentioned: there's been questions about the whole homoerotic side of things, like why they'd want to get naked in front of each other and have a tug whilst watching their team mates roast some bird, some whilst taping it on their phones.

What with "middle Australia" generally being such a liberal and forward thinking place, the social commentators who mention the obvious homosexuality in this are being shouted down quite loudly by a load of shifty looking rugby officials scared to admit that there's something very home de monde about it, and one player even admitted off the record that there are some players who can't shag a bird without having his mates there.

Brilliant!... "I ain't no fuckin' pooftah ya mongrel! I just love a few beers and a bun with me mates! What's the world comin' to when a bloke can't have a wank whilst peering between the arse cheeks of his mates to catch a glimpse of some teenage bird being pressurised into sucking their dicks!"

*Addition: The Footy Show was on again last night, and one of the presenters started crying as he talked about his mate Matty Johns and what he's been through after being tippled shitting on his wife by roasting a teenager with the rest of his team.

*Addition #2: It's all coming out now! Not happy with being cast as philandering irons, professional Aussie sportsmen are going for the nonce crown an'all. Taking the "you little beauty" thing a bit far maybe. Very handy for the other lot though, 'cause compared to this roasting some consenting, legal-aged bird looks like a night of smoove romance...